Shar Shares
Also voted “Most Photogenic” and “Best Bio.”

Also voted “Most Photogenic” and “Best Bio.”

Applied for a job writing porn scripts today, so seeing and tonight should hopefully reaffirm that regrets are funny.

Some Monologue Jokes

I wrote a batch of monologue jokes for a late night talk show edition of Thunderdome. The ones that ended up being chosen and performed live got almost exclusively groans from the crowd, which made me laugh a lot, so I thought I’d just post all of them here for the hell of it. Enjoy, or don’t, you can just groan if you want. Totally up to you.

- A recent study found that roughly one in four NFL players will likely end up with brain problems, while the other three out of four are likely to give brain problems to their loved ones.

- George Zimmerman is back in the news after allegedly threatening to kill a man during a road rage incident. In all fairness, the guy’s car had a hood and could have killed George Zimmerman.

- A judge in China ruled last week that a sperm bank was not responsible for the 2012 death of a 23-year-old who suffered a heart attack during his fourth donation attempt in 10 days. The court said the man made the choice to be there, and officially ruled his death a sploogicide.

- Bai Yun, a giant female panda at the San Diego Zoo, chipped her tooth on a large piece of bamboo last week. Now I know that this may not seem like important news to you guys, but giant pandas are an endangered species, and y’all know them few dude pandas who are left ain’t gonna wanna fuck no panda chick with a busted ass grill.

- A veterinarian in Colorado pleaded guilty to two counts of unauthorized practice after allegedly treating several human beings. Prison guards are on high alert to make sure he doesn’t put himself down.

- A new iPhone app will allow users to quickly learn the results of their STD tests, meaning users will have to make a tough choice between their data plan and their dating plan.

- A group of teens in New Mexico were caught last week stealing pumpkins that had been grown by preschool students. When reached for comment, one of the teens said, “It was like stealing candy from a baby, but instead of candy, we stole pumpkins, and instead of a baby, it was a buncha preschool kids. So not exactly the same, but kinda similar.”

- Pope Francis said last week that the current conflicts around the globe have effectively combined to create World War III. His one complaint: still too many Jews.

- Iggy Azalea is fighting the release of an alleged sex tape. There is no word yet on whether she orgasms in the video or just fakes it like her rap persona.

- Doctors treating an Ebola patient in Nebraska were finally able to get the man to eat the thousand calories he needed every day by feeding him a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. The flavor? Malaria Garcia.

I like my women like I like my night — young.
a pedophile at an open mic

I’m so excited to be doing this show tonight. We came up with some stuff I think is super hilarious, the fantastic improv group DMNK will be opening, and tickets are only $5. Come hang out, Chicago!

Changing Rooms?

Haven’t shopped for clothes in a while. Is it common now to leave the changing room door open and take your clothes off in the corner, or were all 3 of those guys at Old Navy being kinda weird?

It was very sad to wake up today and know that the Upstairs Gallery is closed, but there are much sadder things in the world, such as spending $75 at Wendys.

It was very sad to wake up today and know that the Upstairs Gallery is closed, but there are much sadder things in the world, such as spending $75 at Wendys.

Reposting this old thing, which was conceived from scratch and shot in one hour by everyone who came to Upstairs Gallery on March 16, 2013. All I told people leading up to the night was that it was was called “The Kamie Jennedy Experiment.” Zephian Michaels and Adam Cole were the only people I made sure would be there (with cameras), and the only people who knew that a video would be made with whoever showed up as our co-creators and cast. Once everyone arrived, we came up with the title of a short film as a group (G.U.A.), discussed what might happen in it, and then had everyone cast themselves. People grabbed whatever costumes and props they wanted from the Upstairs Gallery closet, and we just started filming as if we had a script that told us which scene needed to happen next. I don’t know how much you will enjoy watching this now, but we had a ton of fun making it, and I feel like that’s probably a statement that applies to just about everything I ever did at the Gallery.

I’ve been fortunate enough to put on a number of very dumb shows at Upstairs Gallery over the last few years, and I will always be grateful for those opportunities to try new things with the funniest people I know. Tonight at 10:30 is my final Gallery production, and I couldn’t be more pleased that it’s the WEIRD COPCEPT ALBUM - Exclusive Listening Party. I barely knew Michael Malarkey when I first approached him after a show at the Gallery and asked if he might want to help me make a beat that sampled “Headline News” by Weird Al, but I think because of the experimental spirit that the Gallery helped foster in each of us, he said yes, and then things snowballed very quickly. We were constantly surprised by the way this project continued to evolve beyond anything we had originally set out to do (much like the Gallery did for Alex, Caitlin, and Walt), and I for one am so shamelessly proud of where it stands now. The Gallery is where I learned to trust my instincts and follow through with ideas that seem stupid as long as they also seem funny to me, and that is the whole reason this project exists, so I wouldn’t want to premiere it anywhere else in the world. I hope to see you all there tonight, and I hope I don’t cry.